How Am I Doing? (Teruah)

Well...let's see, it sure has been a heck of a year already. So just to update you all a bit, in December I found out that my Father Glen (biological-lives in Texas) was not doing so well. I knew that something had been wrong for some time but doctors were not able to diagnose him with anything. On December 26th his wife had him admitted to the mental hospital for the 3rd time, claiming he was acting very aggressive and breaking into the neighbors house. Some of this was confirmed when I spoke with the mental hospital, although while he was there they did find that he had severe double pneumonia. I believe he was trying to find help which is why he ended up at the neighbors house in the middle of the night.

One night in worship at Blazing Fire (my mom, dad, sister & brother-in-laws church) as I was sharing with my sister what God was saying to me she shared what He had been saying to her and in that moment it was confirmed to me what I had been hearing for the last year was true. He was going home (heaven) to be with Pappa. This was really hard for me to digest being that God had really been doing some reconciliation with him and I over the last 3 years. I just didn't want to let go of the possibility of having the father daughter relationship with him that I had always wanted.

So when I heard he was in the hospital with pneumonia and had not been able to say other then yes or no for the last 2 months I knew time was running short. I thank God so much that he absolutely prepared me for this and has been walking so closely to me during this time, I could not have made it without that.

When Anna's sister asked us to drive her to Texas for school in January at first we were hesitant, until we felt like God was planning the trip. So we said yes, He provided above and beyond what we needed to finance the trip, thank you Daddy! After dropping her sister off in Dallas we headed up to Amarillo to visit my father. We stayed 4 nights so in all I was able to spend 5 days with him. He was looking better by the time I was leaving, but he had not been eating for the last month so the day before I left they put in a feeding tube. My sister decided to go out and see him as well and would be there a couple days after I left. A friend of ours had offered us a house to stay in while we were in the Dallas area and suggested that after visiting my father that we go back to Dallas and spend a couple days to just rest and hang out with Pappa. After being in Amarillo seeing my father in such bad shape we decided to take the offer. We both really needed that time and are forever grateful. We ended up spending 5 days of resting and recouping. The night before we were going to head back to NY, I got a call from my sister as well as my step-sister that my Father wasn't doing good and had pulled out the feeding tube and now his wife had to decide whether to reinsert it or send him to hospice car. Because God had provided more then enough we were able to extend the rental car and go back up to Amarillo.

When I arrived he had seriously deteriorated and it was just a matter of time. Honestly I thought that it would be at least another month. Well Pappa took him home 2 days later on January 25th.

So how am I doing?

Well it is not easy to say goodbye to someone you love no matter how close you were or were not. It has been much more difficult than I imagined. Honestly I thought that I was prepared and would not really go through a drawn out grieving process, well I was wrong. Most days I don't even really know what to feel or what I am feeling. Sometimes I am just walking down the street or drinking a coffee and I realise that I will never be able to have a moment like that with my father. That is when it really hurts. I no longer have the opportunity to call him up and tell him I love him or drink a coffee or go down to a Too Tum Totum for a coke. I think it is so much harder then I expected because not only am I grieving the loss of him but also the loss of a relationship I never got to have. Most days I am just really quiet and want to alone, zone out, watch a movie or just fumble around on the internet. Conversation with me has been very difficult and far to come by, Anna can vouch for that. I guess I am just quiet because I am at a loss for words or don't want to express my sadness which will result in crying. Don't get me wrong I have definitely allowed myself to cry and have spent nights crying myself to sleep, I just don't want to cry every time I talk about him.

Anna's friend invited us to come up to Canada for a couple weeks and just relax. We were both really looking forward to this. Well we have ended up staying up here for a month! It has been so refreshing! I have had time to just process, zone out and try to sort out all that has gone on in the last couple months. The grieving process is moving along and all in all I am doing ok. God is good and I know that my father is hanging out with Pappa.

Thank you all so very much for keeping me in prayer and asking how I am doing. Thank you Thank you Thank you! Please continue to keep me in your prayers and continue asking how I am doing!

Teruah